The Relationship Game

The game you have been playing and weren't aware of...until now.

Hello dear ones,

I know it’s been quiet here on Substack for a few months. Life has a way of pulling us into different directions, doesn’t it? And sometimes parts of ourselves go quiet for a while… However lately I’ve been feeling that familiar pull; that craving to put words to the things I’m seeing and understanding.

Today I’m sharing a piece that just came out in this month’s issue of Women 2 Women Michigan Magazine. It’s about a pattern I have noticed for years and I actually share the metaphor in this article with my clients and friends regularly. Once you read it, you will start to see that there are invisible patterns we fall into in our relationships, and recognizing them changes everything. I hope this serves a timely treat for Valentine’s Day, aligned with the intention of celebrating and amplifying the rewards of our relationships (whether they are blissful or challenging for us!)

As a side note, I have a few pieces from last year that were published in Women 2 Women Michigan Magazine that I never shared on Substack, and I’ll be posting those over the next couple of weeks in case you missed them. But more than catching up on the past, I’m feeling excited about putting more insight into words again. I have a feeling you’ll be hearing from me more regularly here this year;)

As you read the article below, I’d love to hear what resonates for you.

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The Relationship Game

You’ve had the same argument with your partner a million times. Or maybe it’s your mother, your sister, or coworker. Each scenario is different, but the dynamic stays the same. You know exactly what they’re going to say next. You can feel your own words forming before they’ve even finished speaking. And you wonder: How did we get here again?

Here’s what most of us miss: You’re not in a conflict, you’re in a game. And you’ve been playing it so long, you forgot it even started.

One of the simplest ways I understand relationship dynamics is like two people throwing a ball back and forth; each relationship pattern is a game. We all have patterns we fall into, roles we take on, familiar scripts we repeat. Some of these games have been running for decades… even an entire lifetime. We keep throwing the ball back and forth and oftentimes we don’t even realize we are playing. We usually have many, many ball games all running at the same time.

Common games

Wrestling to be right: There is a metaphorical scoreboard in the room: who’s right, who’s smarter, who has the moral high ground? Conversations stop being about truth and start being about winning.

Domination / Subjugation: One person’s needs, moods, or opinions quietly become the “rule of the house.” The other person shrinks, edits themselves, or walks on eggshells.

Victim / Caretaker Loop: One person stays “in need” and the other stays over-responsible. The caretaker feels drained and resentful; the “victim” never has to fully stand up and change.

Don’t “rock the boat”: You smooth everything over, swallow your truth, and manage everyone’s emotions so there’s no conflict. You look “easy to be with,” but inside you’re resentful and tense.

Indirect communication: You don’t ask directly for what you need; instead you hint, withdraw, get cold, or set traps. It’s often a game built from fear of being too much or fear of being disappointed.

Amongst all of these games, this is the most important thing to remember, and it may change your life: It takes two people to play the ball game. If one person lets go of the ball, the game is over.

What if in the midst of the next argument, the question shifts from “How do I get them to be different?” to “How do I stop playing the game?”

Start by Seeing the Game

Next time, take a moment and step outside the situation and see the game.

For example, you’re in the middle of another argument, another silence, another round of the same conversation you’ve had a hundred times… However, this time you catch yourself and think: We’ve done this before. We always do this.

Why do I need to win every argument? What am I afraid will happen if I don’t? Why do I automatically take care of everyone else’s problems? What am I avoiding in my own life? Where did this pattern start?

That pause is everything. When you see it like a game, it almost starts to look a little funny and it releases some of its power over you already. It’s no longer an invisible cycle that repeats forever. You see the many iterations of it and its various forms, and you see it for what it is: A game.

Here’s what helps with this process: Get curious instead of critical. Ask yourself, “What role am I playing right now? What role are they playing? What would happen if I just didn’t throw the ball back?”

And if it no longer serves you, you can choose to stop playing it. Not by cutting off and avoiding, but by asking yourself: What change within me needs to happen so that this game no longer happens?

Letting go of the Ball

Stopping the game in a healthy way comes from response, not reaction. It’s well thought out and takes the big picture into consideration. It’s recognizing that this is the best choice for you and the other person; even if it’s uncomfortable in the moment, and even if it’s going to be uncomfortable for a while.

So this isn’t about avoidance, running away, or not taking full responsibility for our own end of the issue. It’s about becoming conscious about what you’re participating in and choosing to change what no longer serves you.

Here’s what that might look like in practice: In the “Wrestling to be right” game, a healthy response might be: You’re in a heated discussion, you feel the familiar need to prove your point and to win. Instead, you pause and say, “You know what? I think we remember it differently, and that’s okay. What matters more to me than being right is that we can understand each other’s point of view.”

You’ve stopped playing—not by giving in or keeping score, but by refusing to treat the relationship like a competition.

In the “Caretaker / Victim” loop, a healthy change might look like: Your partner calls in distress about the same recurring problem. You feel the automatic urge to drop everything and fix it. Instead, you take a breath and say, “I can hear this is really hard for you. What are you thinking about doing?” You offer presence without taking responsibility for solving what isn’t yours to solve.

Sometimes the change is very action-led; there’s something in the interaction you simply stop or start doing. Maybe you stop explaining. Stop over extending. Stop taking responsibility for what isn’t yours.

Other times the necessary change is something we need to shift internally.

Often when looking internally the best place to start is by asking questions of yourself. Questions like: Why do I need to win every argument? What am I afraid will happen if I don’t? Why do I automatically take care of everyone else’s problems? What am I avoiding in my own life? Where did this pattern start?

Maybe you learned to “not rock the boat” because conflict felt dangerous as a child. Maybe you learned to be the caretaker because it was the only way to feel valuable. The game made sense once, but now it’s costing you more than it’s giving you.

When you do the inner work related to the pattern and the “game” and have a true internal shift, you become less available for the old pattern. You stop automatically reacting. You stop taking the bait. You stop rescuing. You stop needing to be right. You stop abandoning yourself. The result of this is that you are ready to “let go of the ball.”

When the Pattern Changes

This isn’t always about cutting off or walking away. Often it’s about making small changes and sticking with it through discomfort, knowing it’s a process for both of you.

As you make changes, it’s very common that the other person throws up their arms in retaliation or has a little freak-out. They might accuse you of “changing” or “not being yourself.” They might escalate the behavior that used to hook you, trying harder to get you back into the familiar pattern.

If you’ve stopped caretaking, they might have a crisis that’s even bigger than usual. If you’ve stopped fighting to be right, they might push harder to make you engage. This is an unconscious recalibration for them because they’re confused. The rules of engagement have shifted, and they don’t know how to be in relationship with this new version of you…yet.

That’s totally okay. The other person will need to rewire; they will be doing their own unconscious inner work as they recalibrate to you. The best reminders to keep close in these moments are patience and grace.

Sticking with it through discomfort means you might have to watch them be upset without rushing to fix it. You might have to tolerate their disappointment in you. You might have to repeat your new boundary twenty times before it lands. This is where the real transformation happens, in your commitment to it when it gets hard.

What matters most is a greater perspective, and openness to things being radically different—for you and for the other person. My magic tip through this transition is to hold in your awareness the best image of yourself and the best image of the other person through the process, knowing that great positive transformation is around the corner.

When you successfully stop playing the game, something remarkable happens: space and potential opens up. The relationship can breathe again. New conversations happen. You find yourself laughing about things that used to trigger you for hours. You may discover that you actually like this person when you’re not stuck in the same exhausting loop.

And sometimes when the game stops, there isn’t much left. It doesn’t mean the relationship was meaningless or that you failed. It means the game was holding it together, and now you are free from the pattern that kept you locked in place.

Most importantly, you discover yourself again. You claim your agency. You remember that you have a choice. And that choice changes everything.

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If you made it this far, thank you for being here. For reading. For staying connected even through the quiet months.

A few questions to munch on:

Which of the “games” did you recognize in your own relationships? Was it one I named, or do you have your own version you’d add to the list?

What’s the hardest part for you—recognizing the game, or actually stopping it? I find that the awareness often comes much easier than the change itself.

And here’s the vulnerable one: What do you fear might happen if you stop playing? Sometimes we keep the pattern going because on some level, it feels safer than the unknown.

I’d genuinely love to hear your thoughts. You can reply to this email, leave a comment, or just sit with these questions for yourself;)

Thank you for being part of this community. I’m grateful you’re here.

With love,

Joy

P.S. - Keep an eye out for those additional articles from Women 2 Women over the next couple of weeks. I think you’ll find something meaningful in them too.

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Ways to Work with Me

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If you are curious to find out more, I invite you to take a look at my website:

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